Stop Rape.

So Thursday night... was a good night. Zack really wanted to go to this concert downtown, Tally Hall was playing. He said "I really want to go to this concert downtown, Tally Hall is playing." That is how I knew this information.

So Grace and I drive zack downtown, and we all head out to the art museum. There was a huge table full of free shit! Free t-shirts, frisbees, posters. It was all a big deal for the freshmen orientation at U of M. So all that was left were XL yellow t-shirts... almost barf colored. So we got frisbees and some posters. We went and looked at some Andy Warhol paintings upstairs, then went back outside for the concert. Zack met Tally Hall, and then they got set to play.

Though not the point of this story, Tally Hall kicks ass. Amazing talent, and they totally rock. It was a great concert... for the few minutes I was there. Grace and I were sitting behind Zack, both of us were very licky and touchy. We decided it'd be best to leave the concert to go get an iced chai tea latte from starbucks. So we did. We sat on the leather couch upstairs for a while, drinking the liquid pumpkin goodness. And we were making out, a lot, considering we were in a very public place. Unfortunately, one can not do many sexual things in public... so we left to go back to the parking garage.

In the parking garage, awaited our sex chariot. A big, red minivan. We parked on the top so nobody was around. Now, I wont go into detail, but I can say that we weren't doing much in the back of the van. Because this was her mom's van, not a very kickass place to do anything. We were jsut making out for a while, laying on the back seat. We had only been in the van for a few minutes, when I see a glimpse of headlights far away on the parking structure. I laid back down just in case that car were to park next to us.

Here's what caused the cool part of this story... grace was hot. I mean temperature wise, she was cooking. So we opened the side door of the van, we opened the door that exposed the van to the rest of the parking garage. It was only ajar maybe a foot, we didn't care. We were in our little love nest, and that cooled us down, good deal.

So the car that is driving keeps getting closer, I look back, and it's jsut sitting there, 10 feet away from the van, blasting it's brights in through the windows. I just stared... as a THIRD light turned on and blinded me. A THIRD LIGHT!? THIS IS A FUCKING COP CAR!

I look down at Grace and say "Grace, there is a cop car right outside the van." She gives me a look of disbelief, and I say "You SO wish I was kidding right now."

I hear a door open a close, then 2 seconds later, a cop is standing right in the open side door of our van. Shit. He asks "What are you two doing?"... and I respond with probably the dumbest thing I could have said in retrospect...

"We're making out in the back of a VAN!"

Understand that is a police officer, and when I said that I sounded like a dick. But I was kind of laughing.

He then asks Grace to 'step out of the vehicle'. And she does. A few seconds later the cop returns to the van, where I sit, frozen, still in my laying down position. And the cop, proceeds to utter the greatest little gem of speech I have ever heard. He says:

"Are you here voluntarily?"

HAHAHA! As if I were being raped by my girlfriend. I responded with a confused "Yeah". He proceeded to tell grace and I that we were making ourselves vulnerable by making out in the back of van. People could have stolen from us or killed us or something. He also told us that we should a find a better spot if we "want to be alone." Haha, as if her mom's big red minivan in a parking structure was our first choice.

Glad to know there's somebody out there to stop me from getting raped.

Happy Explode

I guess those Texans wont be so happy when they're on FIRE.

B.A.M.F.

In the words of Dane Cook... I was looking for a car that would make me look BADASS. I needed a car that is B.A., that makes me feel like a B.A.M.F... a BAMF! And I decided on a golden volvo station wagon.

This car is a 1987 Volvo 740 GLE... it's a big fucking gold brick. It has heated leather seats, power windows, and a SUNROOF. To me, that is amazing and magical and very rainbow like.

The car... although listed as being in Canton, was actually 126 miles away. That's a long fucking drive. I could not make this trip alone, I needed to be driven up there, and drive the brick back down. I needed soldiers, I needed MEN. So I called Jill.

Jill could go. Zack could go. Most importantly Donald could go... because he was driving. We would leave in one station wagon, but return in 2. So we set off! Nothing could stop us! We were invincible! And we got!... stuck in traffic for an hour. A motorcycle crashed... we decided it was taking a while because they needed a big spatula to pick hs remains off the road. I insisted spongebob was on the way to solve the problem. But alas our frycook dide not arrive, so we turned around.

For those of you not paying attention... we TURNED AROUND. On the HIGHWAY. And drove on the GRASS until we got to the exit. That was badass.

So we drove, and drove, and drove. Until we got to Gobblefuck, Nowhere. I handed the guy 800 dollars in CASH, and we drove off. I ahd absolutley no gas, I couldnt work the AC, the windows, or the doors. And I crapped my pants. And I bled from the eyes, and you know the rest.

So here is the point of this story... we're all starving. The only thing I've eaten all day is... cherry coke. Breakfast of losers. So we pull into this big boy, again, in Gobblefuck Nowhere. it SMELLS like white people. I mean, I know I'm white, but this place was beyond white.

We sat down, next to a total white trash family. Fat guy, tank top, moustache, 6 kids. Wife, mumu, ugly. And there kids are loud and annoying, and they have like 40 plates on the table, and boxing up countless deserts. Their waiter had a gay voice, which doesnt matter... but when gay guys talk to white trash in a big boy, it's funny as hell.

I order a club sandwich... but apparently... the restsaurant is out of turkey. YOU'RE A FUCKING RESTAURANT. WHERE THE HELL IS THE TURKEY, I came because I did not have food. Fuck. So I was pissed, and gave the waitress a hard time after that. Zack asked for some dressing his sandwich, and she says "Sure I'll go get your TANG" and walks away.

What the fuck? TANG? There is no fucking TANG anywhere you crazy whore! Zack then started shaking the sides of the table to provoke one of the 19 babies across from us. At this point, the ugly wife is standing up, holding a baby in one hand, and PIE in the other. EATING. STANDUING UP WITH A BABY AND EATING PIE.

We had to get out of there, immediately, we made a bet to see which one of us would get food poisoning first. The waitress forgot to split our check, even though we asked... so we were pissed. And we gave no tip.

We were at the checkout and she's jsut standing there, washing the same spot on the table for like 10 minutes. Waiting for her tip. I turned back and stared at her, fucking stupid. She smelled like ass and tabacco. As she stood there washing the table, donald, zack and I walk out... all very aware of our no-tip.

But jill was still inside, at the other end of the restaurant! OH GOOD LORD NO! What if the waitress ripped her heart out! Or ATE HER SKIN. Jill got out safely and we left gobblefuck quickly, full and diseased as ever.

Then I drove 2 hours to get home, good shit.

Hydrogen Fuel Cells

"Everybody, as soon as they think of hydrogen, they think of the Hindenburg," Zanardelli said. He added: "That's what we have to deal with."

This is from an article about hydrogen powered cars that I just read online. And I found this quote quite shocking.

Really? EVERYBODY? Everybody thinks of the Hindenburg when hear the word hydrogen? I'll bet a shiny penny that's not true. See, the Hindenburg disaster happened in 1937. Everybody that was alive to see that, is probably DEAD.

I would go as far to say that NOBODY thinks of the hindenburg disaster when discussing hydrogen powered cars. This was a quote by some dude from Ford, saying he had to overcome all these obstacles in order for people to accept hydrogen as clean fuel alternative...

Nobody thinks of that god damn blimp. That is not why hydrogen hasn't replaced gasoline. Hell, if Ford made any effort whatsoever I'm sure millions of people would be interested. We aren't afraid of blowing up.

Let's discuss the pros, and said cons...

Pros:
1. End of dependence on foreign oil, we will no longer give billions of dollars to corrupt nations full of tasty terrorists.
2. End of the majority of global warming, seeing as the only by product of a hydrogen fuel cell engine is pure water.
3. No more getting pissed off about the rising price fuel, because the price of hydrogen will only drop as we continue to perfect technology.

Cons:
1. A fucking blimp blew up 70 years ago... because everybody thought it would be a good idea to have a 100 ft metal balloon filled with an unstable, flammable gas.

The obstacle is not a fucking blimp, the obstacle is that you dont want to spend money on research, and you dont care. Suck my hydrogen fueled cock Mr. Zanardelli.

I apologize for this article not being very funny. Here's some blimp.

3rd Degree Burns

So last night, zack, ian, and I see a claw machine at the bowling alley. We all got addicted to it, and tried to win an oh so succulent little stuffed buddy.

We failed. We decided that that particular machine was rigged, because there is no way in hell we could have failed. I then made it a point to travel all throughout ann arbor in search of a proper machine, where we would win. We would win an animal, and then BURN IT. BURN THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

And so we did.



We failed at the next bowling alley.





We failed at Kroger. We failed over and over and over. On two seperate machines. Things were looking very grim. Look at our feeble attempts!

When we believed that life had no purpose, that we should saw off our nutsacks and walk home in shame. We saw a beacon of light, a grand pillar of awesome. The movie theater. We drove in to see Casey, on our way home to ian's house. The clw machine was glowing, the theater was closing, and we knew it was our last chance. WIN OR DIE. So... we won.







We won 2! 2 glorious little FUR TROPHIES. I was crying, I couldn't believe how happy I was. We could have tea parties! We could dance and frolic with our bear and elephant! HOORAY! It was like a cute rainbow explosion! So we covered them with lighter fluid and BURNED THEM!













Good shit.

Doombot thirsts for blood

That's Ian. Me. A a bear that is about to die.

Tonight... was the dawning of the greatest of literature known to man. Harry Potter and the half blood prince. HELLZ YEAH.

I decided that I definitely had to get the book the night it came out. I also decided I definitely had to go to one of those parties at the bookstore. AND WEAR COSTUMES!

But Harry Potter costumes just wouldnt do it, I cant dress up like some lame-ass little CHILD. So Ian and I bought some fabric... which took hours. We molested all the soft fabrics, runinngs our arms throughout their sensuous folds. And we bought a trucker hat, and a tie, and tunic from value world.

It was all joyous, and we started to sew. We spent 5 hours trying to make a ninja glove, which was so crappy we had to cut the fingers off. Ian made a bigass golden hood. I made a bigass robe with sleeves, and an american flag on the back that said "UNITED STATES OF HARRY POTTER"... fuckin awesome.

I also a little pink speedo thing that said "HP", along with my richard petty trucker hat, plaid vest, and pink tie. AND I HAD BELL BOTTOMS. Which we made.

The goal was to make to no fucking sense. Ian painted his face like a robot, and looked like a doombot. (Apparently one of Dr. Doom's minions from the comic). And I looked like... a deranged bum. It was kickin sweet.

So we go to the movie theater, to see casey. And ian scares the fuck out of this little girl. He was being all happy jsut talking to his friend, and this girl SCREAMS and runs away from him. HAHAHA. Then I ran up to casey and rubbed his nipple with my magic wand as he was trying to sell tickets to some guy.

Then we went to Borders. It was supposedly a big party for the book. I expected a bunch of little kids, it seemed to be msotly teenagers, haha. My buddy meg was there, dressed like hermoine. And jake was there! GO JAKE! Plus 1000 other people. I stabbed people with my sword, and we got our picture taken by a bunch of people.

OH! And before we went to the bookstore we went to the mall to see jennifer. That's where I ran up behind that fucking bear, and HUGGED it. Then we posed for a picture and I slit its throat! YES! Plus there were LLAMAS. And everybody was afraid of us!

Whatever, it was kickass. Ian (Doombot) danced the robot like a crazy mofo. Plus I actually did get a harry potter book at the end of the night, from MEIJERS.

The Tennessean

So I went to Seattle for 2 weeks. And on the way there I had to stop in Nashville Tennessee... this was the front page of their sunday newspaper. I swear to god. The number one story for all of TENESSEE was about COCKFIGHTING. "Cockfighting helps the economy! WE NEED IT". I think a better picture would be be two penises with helmets and little swords.

Plus on the the side of the front page headline, is a smaller story that reads "Five year slump in baptism worries baptists"... now that's comedy by itself.

Survey... haha

Ok, for YEARS I have seen these SURVEYS. People take them, I read them, and never do them.

Today is different. I did a survey. And I assure you it is funny enough that you should actually read it. 80% of the answers are honest. Go nuts!

ABOUT YOU

Your full name: R_obert A_lan L_oukotka (purposely misspelled to avoid search engine shit)

Age: 16

Height: 6'3"

Natural hair colour: Brownish (A special blend that I call SEXY)

Eye colour: Colour? Fucking British. My eyes are bloody blue. (purple? haha)

Number of siblings: 0 (that I know of... my mom is... eh)

Glasses/contacts?: Glasses/contacts are devices that help improve your vision. Thanks for asking. And yes I have both.

Piercings: None intentionally.

Tattoos: None intentionally.

Braces?: Hellz no, braces are WHACK. BLIP.

FAVOURITE

Colour: Again... british bastards. BLUE.

Band: Rubber

Song: Let it be? This question is too hard. It is void. See?

Stuffed animal: Deer. Or do you mean the toy?

Video game: Pac-Man bitches

TV show: SEINFELD

Movie: BATMAN BEGINS (I jsut saw it twice... so it seems like my favorite movie)

Book: Hmm... Also hard. And I only read non-fiction. VOID!

Food: Women. Er... sweet potatoes.

Game on a cell phone: Bowling, even though I dont own it. YET

CD cover: Memorex 52x CD-R

Flower: What? Do you... do you think I am a GAY? The answer is daisies!

Scent: WOMAN... er... no wait, yes, women.

Animal: Wom... nah. Dolphins.

Comic book: Comics come in BOOK form now?

Cereal: Fruity PEBBLES.

Website: Google... it's like ALL web sites. And porn.

Cartoon: White ninja?

DO YOU

Play an instrument?: YES.

Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: Jesus fucking Christ no. I'm not awake that long, what the fuck?

Like to sing?: YEEEEEEESSSSS.

Have a job?: HEEEELLLLLZZZ NOOOOOO

Have a cell phone?: Yep. 867-5309!!! (haha, I will laugh if anybody dials that)

Like to play sports?: Hmm... let's go with FUCK no.

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: YES! GRACE! I love you!

Have a crush on someone?: Again, Grace. Awesome.

Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: Who doesn't? Oh yeah, me.

Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: well, if you count all the TV's we have... then no.

Have any special talents/skills?: I can lick a girl's.... I can juggle!

Excercise daily?: Does that mean one day a year? Yep.

Like school?: Do I like school... does God like fatties? nope.

CAN YOU (no I can not)

Sing the alphabet backwards?: Eventually.

Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: is that any fucking different than doing it WITH shoes? yes I can

Speak any other languages?: I can speak 1/10 of French I think. Enough to survive.

Go a day without food?: Hmmm, considering the human body can go days without food and water, yes I can. Ass.

Stay up for more than 24 hours?: Again, not that difficult.

Read music, not just tabs?: Haha, yes. Tabs are actually harder because they're written by dumb shits.

Roll your tongue?: Like... with a roller on a table? ow. no.

Eat a whole pizza?: Depends on the size of the pizza. VOID!

HAVE YOU EVER

Snuck out of the house?: Yes. Succeeded. No.

Cried to get out of trouble?: When I was little, hell yeah.

Gotten lost in your city?: Eh, unfortunately yes.

Seen a shooting star?: Yep. I mean, they're only up there every fucking night. Not that hard, asshole survey.

Been to any other countries besides the united states?: Yeah! Canada and the bahamas count. Kind of.

Had a serious surgery?: I had a really funny surgery. No serious oones. "Ohhhh this scalpel is so SHIIINY HAHAHA"

Stolen something important to someone else?: Are cars important?

Solved a rubiks cube?: Like... without breaking it against the floor? Is that possible?

Gone out in public in your pajamas?: If by pajamas you mean naked, and covered in honey... yep.

Cried over a girl?: No.

Cried over a boy?: Yes. Wait... I got these 2 mixed up.

Kissed a random stranger?: I knew her name... so no. BUT I WILL. NOW.

Hugged a random stranger?: Yes.

Been in a fist fight?: I would never EVER hurt a fist like that. What did they ever do to me?

Been arrested?: No. But that's because I'm very sneaky. And you cant get arrested when you kill the cop that's chasing you.

Done drugs?: No

Had alcohol?: No (I think that's impressive... my mom is made of alcohol)

Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: Only when I'm drinking milk, otherwise no... I don't facially lactate.

Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: Yeah. That's what they're THERE for.

Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: Haha, only a fucking idiot would... wait... yep.

Swore at your parents?: Constantly. Fucking bitch ass hell damn.

Been to warped tour?: *wonders what that is* VOID!

Kicked a guy where it hurts?: Well, it hurts to be kicked anywhere, so yes.

Been in love?: I'm pretty sure.

Been close to love?: Obviously

Been to a casino?: Yep, smelled like depression.

Ran over an animal and killed it?: If I ran over an animal, why would I take time out of my day to stop the car and kill it too? That's just sick.

Broken a bone?: Not my own bones.

Gotten stitches?: No, but I want some real bad.

Had a waterballoon fight in winter?: That's called a CONCUSSION fight. Fucking stupid survey.

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: That's impossible. God damnit, I've tried.

Made homemade muffins?: If you take out the mades this says- "home muffins?" hahahaha

Bitten someone?: YEAH! All the time. Both for pain and pleasure.

Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: They merged the two? That must be one LONG ass monorail.

More than 5 times?: More than 5 times? Fuck you.

Been to niagra falls?: Yeah, real... mediocre place that is. But I'd fuck it anyway.

Burped in someones face?: Hahahaha. Roger... that's still funny. It rebounded. Nevermind.

Gotten the chicken pox?: The clap? No.. yes, the chicken pox.

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU

Brushed your teeth: This afternoon

Went to the bathroom: Few hours ago... oh... wait... right now. :-/

Saw a movie in theaters: Wednesday night?

Read a book: Two weeks ago

Had a snow day: Who the fuck cares. This is too hard! VOID!

Had a party: Forever ago

Had a slumber party: With a dozen ladies? last week. With normal people... 2 weeks. Fuck you survey, I have no friends.

Made fun of someone: Uhhh if this survey is somebody, then about 4 seconds ago.

Tripped in front of someone: I dont remember. So you can go smoke a cock.

Went to the grocery store: uhhh sometime this week. Nobody really gives a damn. Except for other grocery store owners reading this?

Got sick: In about a week I'm going to. Because my girlfriend is sick... and I've been known to infect myself. gross.

Cursed: Fucking right now.

PICK ONE

Fruit/vegetables: FRUIT. So much sexier. You cant eat cabbage off of a naked chick. But strawberries... yep.

Black/white: Black... I dont wanna look racist.

Lights on/lights off: hmm... Captan planet would say OFF

TV/movie: Tough. Both suck equally!

Car/truck: Car! Trucks are disgusting.

Body spray/lotion: I dont even know what body spray is. die.

Cash/check: Cash because checks dont have dead presidents on them!

Pillows/blankets: PLANKETS! I am victorious! (or... Bllows!)

Headache/stomach ache: Stomach... because you can make that go away by barfing! And you cant purge your mind. :-(

Paint/charcoal: Paint... wtf charcoal? This survey makes me wanna vomit.

Chinese food/mexican food: Hahaha mexican food, gross. Chinese food is amazing.

Summer/winter: Summer. Winter is when I murder because of the cold.

Snow/rain: Rain!!!!

Fog/misty: ? Misty? "My my Lucius, the environment is quite MISTY today." Fuck you

Rock/rap: Rock. Duh.

Meat/vegetarian: Haha. I would rather eat meat than a vegetarian.

Boy/girl: Boy. Ladies just have to deal with too much shit, it's our fault... but.. yeah.

Chocolate/vanilla: Chocolate!

Sprinkles/icing: ICING

Cake/pie: PIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

French toast/french fries: FRENCH TOAST!

Strawberries/blueberries: Strawberries are superior!

Ocean/swimming pool: Being eaten alive by sharks in salty water. Or relaxing in a pool. God I just dont know.

Hugs/kisses: Kisses!

Cookies/muffins: Cookies. But SOFT cookies, no crunchy.

p33n/bewbz: haha P33n. best question ever. bewbz are fun too.

Wallet/pocket: pocket. I have a wallet ALWAYS. But my cash goes in my pocket.

Window/door: Windows!

Emo/goth: Hmm... if they both all died I'd be happy. Sorry. :-
Pink/purple: Pink!

Cat/dog: DOG!

Long sleeve/short sleeve: SHORT!

Pants/shorts: PANTS! (I'm really skinny, I look dumb the nakeder I get)

Winter break/spring break: Winter is longer. So yeah.

Spring/autumn: Autumn is beatiful. But ominous. Spring wins.

Clouds/clear sky: Clear. YAY!

Moon/mars: MARS BITCHES!

FRIENDSHIP

How many friends do you have?: Whoa. 6... 7? It's just too many to count. haha.

What are their names?: HAHAHAHA. Ian. Just ian.

Do you have a best friend?: I dont think so. Let's throw in Brandon, and Roger, and a splash of Zack and stacey. (everyone who's funny too... ian, jill, tom...etc.)

Have you ever liked one of your friends?: YEP

Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: Girls I guess. But the guy friends are BETTER.... hmm.

Have you ever lost a friend?: Yeah, lame.

Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?: BUNCHES! THE CASTRATOR! Hahaha.

Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?: Big one used to be that I had no penis, reeaaaal funny guys, good job.

Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?: Yep, usually my fault... or theirs, go figure.

Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?: I sucked his... well... it's just too nice to ruin like this.

Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?: Then he sucked my... again... let's not discuss it.

Do you miss any of your old friends?: Not really, my friends sucked. I have all good ones now.

What friend have you known the longest?: Brandon!

Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?: Yeah, a lot of stuff.

If so, what is it?: Just recently I was an asshole to Brandon. Sorry again buddy.

How often do you spend time with your friends?: A lot?

Do any of your friends drive?: Most.

Has a friend of yours ever died?: Yes... wasnt this jsut asked?

Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?: pinecone colonoscopy

What do you think your friends think of you?: That I'm really funny! And good looking! And awesome!

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP

Have you ever been in love?: I think so...

If you have, with who?: Grace!

Are you single?: I would hope not

Are you in a relationship?: Hellz yeah

If so, for how long?: *cough* a month *cough* but it's gonna last much longer, I promise.

Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: No. Some people are just losers, sorry.

What is your idea of the best date?: Anyone where you have a lot of fun, who cares.

What was your first kiss like?: Nervous and anticlimactic.

How old were you when you got your first kiss?: 13?

Do you think love is a load of shit?: No... that's not very nice. Love is piss if it's anything.

Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?: Making out with grace last week, was awesomer than anything else before.

If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?: blah blah blah

Have you ever been dumped?: Yes

Have you ever dumped someone?: Yes

Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?: ehhh.... *looks around* lalalala

WORD ASSOCIATION

Slippers: pink bunnies

Hat: Brown?

Hard: Hahahaha... smoke a cock.

Free: Trailer park

Space: Grey, smelly, storage unit.

Taste: Butter

Good charlotte: Helmet

Red: Submarine

Deep: Throat

Heart: of darkness... god damn book.

Cord: Wait... that's a WORD now?

Cheese: mice and shit.

Rain: pretty!

Work: BRUSHES

Pedal: Cutting open your knee on a bike.

Head: Tete.

Bed: Grace.

Fluff: COTTON CANDY!

Hardcore: BADASS!

Race: Asians. Sorry, that's what popped in my head.

Knife: FIGHT!

Jump: BUNGEE!

I....

am: Robocop II

want: Money!

need: A helicopter!

crave: POONTANG! er.. whatever!

love: GRACE!

hate: cats!

did: GRACE... er... something else!

feel: GRACE... wait.. wrong. bad. HAPPY!

miss: Grace!

am annoyed by: Little kids.

would rather: breathe than not breathe

am tired of: this god damn survey

will always: urinate

SILLY STUFF

What is your favourite genre of music?: Classic Rock!

What time is it now?: 9:32

What day is it?: Sunday, june 26th?

Whens the last time you called someone?: 2 hours ago?

How much money do you have right now?: 60-70 bucks

Are you hungry?: Nah

Whatcha doin?: Talkin' to my lady

Do you like parades?: NO

Do you like the moon?: YES!

What are you going to do when youre done with this?: Take a nap

Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?: no. god damnit.

If you could have any magical power what would it be?: the power of walking!

Have you ever had a picnic?: yeah, I mean... sure... ok.

Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?: haha... super lame. no...

What about sock em boppers?: FUCK YEAH!

Are you wearing any socks right now?: two actually.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

funny?: more than anybody else ALIVE

pretty?: Very much so

sarcastic?: What's sarcastic?

lazy?: YES!

hyper?: YES!

friendly?: YES!

evil?: NO!

smart?: YES!

strong?: NO!

talented?: YES!

dorky?: YES!

ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know)

high: Haha... wont say that. mean.

skip: Jennifer?

dance: Napolean dynamite

lonely: Brandon ;-(

pen: ME! SEX PEN!

flower: Grace! lalala!

window: Ian?

psycho: IAN!

brain freeze: Grace/Brandon, ARCTIC RUSH!

orange: oompa loompa

sassy: Pat... haha wtf.

jelly: jill!

FOR OR AGAINST

suicide: Toughy. hell no

love: yay

drunk drivers: nay

airplanes: yay

war: nay

canada: yay

united states: nay

rock music: yay

gay marriage: YAY!

school: yaY

surveys: NAY

parents: nay

cars: yay

killing: HAHAHAHAHA nay

britney spears: nay

coffee: yay

pants: yay

WOULD YOU EVER

Sky dive?: yes

Play strip poker?: YES

Run away?: yes

Curse at a teacher?: Yes and have

Not take a shower for a week?: yes and have

Ask someone out?: yes and have

Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: yes and have

Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: YEs

Go scuba diving?: yes

Write a book?: WHALE BOOK! YES!

Become a rockstar?: yes!

Have casual sex?: UH YEAH!

LAST QUESTIONS

What shampoo do you use?: pantene pro-v (thanks jen and pat)

Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?: define sexual... I guess last week.

What kind of computer do you have?: I built it. It's called BADASS

What grade are you in?: 11th... er 12th I guess now.

Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: no, that's mean

Or just make out?: haha.

How many posters do you have in your room?: Probably... 40-50. I'm insane.

How many cds do you have?: Zero... or hundreds. you pick.

What time is it now?: 9:45.

George Washington

So last week I embarked on a journey, deep into.... the west. I flew out to Seattle to work at my uncle's brush company. I've been working on a web site this week, and yesterday my uncle said I didn't have to work. We drove out on a sales call.

Where were we going? Eastern Washington. Why? A sales call, to meet with the owner of some business so he can buy some brushes. How long was the trip? 2 1/2 HOURS. Fortunately the scenery is badass, so the trip wasnt totally boring. I find out when we arrive, that the business we are traveling to is a farm. What does this farm sell? Onions. Fucking Onions.

So we get out of my uncle's bright orange Scion xB... and go into the... onion factory? We carry in a box full of brushes, and I wanna cry because the whole plant smells of onions. Yay. We go upstairs to the office, and these two redneck white ladies are making fun of the car.

Let me emphasize something... Eastern washington is to Seattle what... Kentucky is too Ann Arbor. Make sense? Everything out there was really old. Stuff doesnt rust out in the west, so it isn't uncommon to see a truck that's 45 years old. Everything is farming, it's like Ohio on crack. The whole place is like a desert... then there are jsut big patches of green where they irragated it. It looks like you're in the southwest, with the people of tennessee, when really you're in Washington. What the fuck.

So we meet the owner of the farm. He's white. That's a shocker. He's fat. Again, anoither shocker. Wearing Overalls, really? OVERALLS? Wow.

He LOOKS racist... it's insane. He's got little beady eyes, and he talks like a republican... er southerner. I try not to laugh at his teeth. We start walking around his giant warehouse where he processes onions. And he talks about he wants to buy brushes for a machine that will wash potatoes.

"Yep, I'm gonna be washin' taters"

We asked him what size brush and diameter he needed.

"Why? we jsut washin' taters"

My uncle ended up selling him about 4000 dollars worth of brushes, it was cool. So after that little trip, we started looking for my uncle's friend. We called all 3 of his phone numbers a dozen times, but couldn't find him. We find out he went to the bowling alley. Before we arrive in the bowling alley in the middle of nowhere my uncle says "This guy you're gonna meet, he ahs more money than god". Turns out the guy invented some kind of wheat seed, and is like a multi millionaire.

He works at the bowling alley. Not at the bowling alley, but the off track betting joint stuck to the side of the bowling alley. He doesnt need a real job because he's so rich, so now he "watches the ponies". Funny shit.

He and my uncle start talking about business stuff... and I order some food. I ordered the "MONDO BURGER". WHich is a 24 oz. (1 1/2 pound) burger. Actually that's just the meat. Don't forget the bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and special sauce. The thing was a fuckin' foot wide. I have pictures that I'll post later. The thing was so nasty, I ate half and quit. I felt like an little alien was trying to burrow its way out of my insides.

After that my uncle and I went bowling. He asks the guy "how much is it for each of us to walk out there and throw ONE ball?" "you mean one game?" "No... one ball"... "Uhhh we dont do that" My uncle put 5 bucks on the table, and they let us do it. 5 dollars was enough for 3 games, we were gonna throw one ball. We both go, and arent very good. We got addicted, paid another 5 bucks, and played 2 games. My uncle won the first game, I beat him the 2nd game. Then we left with my half of a mondo burger.

We then drove to the new building my uncle was buying for his business. It's really shitty. HUGE, but shitty. It was big and beige, except for this one wall which was painted bright green and yellow. Gross. All the doors were locked and we couldn't get inside. So my uncle got out a big piece of wood, jabs it through this rotting piece of wood blocking the door, and prys it open. The lock shatters part of the wall, and the place opens. There were dead birds outside... and inside you'd find random bird parts. I saw lots of random feathers... and couple wings.

It was creepy as hell. A giant warehouse, everything was falling apart... and dirty. We were the only people alive within a few miles. Good place to kill somebody.

We left and started going home... but stopped everywhere on the way.

There is giant outdoor ampitheatre... and we tried to drive in. But the security guards wouldnt let us. My uncle said we were delivering brushes, and the guy actually gets on his radio and starts asking if we had clearance. We obviously didnt. So instead we drove around to the parking lot... dodging cones and barriers to see the ampitheatre. My uncle kept saying "Haha, I'm going to be arrested for this".

Then finally on our way home, there is this big monument on top of a mountain. It's a bunch of life size, steel horses, galloping along the top of the mountain. It's meant to be viewed from down below. So we figure we're already near the top of the mountain. It's less than 200 feet to the top. We park the car... and start walking up. The first half was a steep walk, the 2nd half was basically climbing, it was slippery as hell. I thought I was gonna fall and die. But we didnt, and we went up and saw the horses, for no real reason. The view was amazing... but not funny... so I wont write about it.

We go back down, which was harder than climbing. I kept slipping because my shoes have no traction, and we really dirty. The mountain seemed like it was made of dust. Anyway... it was badass.

And to understand the title... the place where we climbed that thing, was near the town of George. George, Washington. That's so lame it's funny.

Retarded Babies from Space

School is out, and I've already had a hell of a time. Thursday I hung out with zack, went to grace's, and then went to a show at the imrpov inferno. Our director (daniel) and john are in an improv group called Weekend End, and they're fucking hilarious. So we watched them battle against this other group and totally kick their ass... WITH COMEDY. It was fun, and I went shoeless.

So Friday, we all went to Cedar Point. Me, Donald, Jake, Amber, Jane, Daniel, Andy (all comedy troupe folk), and Heather. The day started off not so... great.

I drive a shit-mobile, it is capable of 0-60 never, and it's gonna die. I thought to myself "I need to meet them at 7:30 am so we're not late... I hope my car doesn't die." So it died. I'm driving down Jackson... I had just hit maybe 40mph when my engine, shut OFF, dead. The engine may have seized up... which means... no more car. Anyway, I'm coasting along with no power, and I pull into a place that sells roofs to trucks, lame. I didn't even have enough power to park properly, so it's all crooked. My car looked like a depressed, disabled puppy. But Donald picked me up, and we were both a little late.

We got to the Pioneer parking lot and chose who was riding with who. Daniel drives a red car, and andy a green, really no difference. Jane, Donald, and I chose andy's car. Amber, jake, and heather rode in daniel's. Daniel drives likea grandma, so our car led the whole way because andy drives faster. On the way there we listened to R. Kelly and laughed our asses off at how stupid his music is. And I was bored and drew a picture of two guys on a roller coaster, which was like 1000 feet tall, and they were screaming. And on the front of the roller coaster I put the name... it was two balls they were exploding and I named the coaster "The Castrator". It was awesome.

On the way there we stopped at a tiny little reststop... and all there was to eat was a Hardee's. I don't eat fast food... because I wish to live. So I ate something much more healthy, a bowl of frosted flakes with strawberry milk. I said it kinda tasted like the way your mouth tastes right after you puke. I also got some coffee, and while I was there I raised my hand and asked "Who here is going to Cedar Point?" and nobody raised their hands.... so I said "What the hell ELSE is there to do in Ohio?!" and I laughed... nobody else did.

So we get there and wait for Jane to go to bathroom... she managed to take like 15 minutes. We go into the park, and are all YAY!

------- To be continued...